From Victim Mentality to Empowered

*sigh*

It's wild to see how far I've come.

Hey, what's up?

I realized that I need a proper introduction for those that are new here. It's been almost a decade since the start of my personal development journey.

I used to be a disempowered, depressed, overweight, and a socially anxious person. 

Now I'm an empowered, joyful, athlete/runner, and a more open person.

👇👇👇👇

Let's rewind. I used to think that life was happening to me, that I had no power over it, that I was a victim. I blamed everything "out there" for why my life was the way it was. 

I had a traumatic childhood. I grew up with an emotionally abusive alcoholic father.*

*(Who I have now forgiven. I know he did the best he could with what he knew and he has his own unprocessed trauma. Forgiveness has become easier for me as I've gotten deeper into my spiritual journey. Reason being you start to realize that people cannot act beyond their level of consciousness, they really don't know any better. As Jesus said, "Forgive them for they know not what they do." Their actions are simply a reflection of their state of being. You don't have to internalize it.)

It was a chaotic environment for a kid. I was always on edge. Would I say the wrong thing? Would I do the wrong thing? My dad was a ticking time-bomb and anything could set him off. My environment consisted of lots of yelling and screaming. Sometimes we had to sneak out the house with my mom and stay with an aunt until the alcohol wore off.

I was a kid living in survival mode.

And because that was my childhood, that was my excuse for why I was the way I was. "I'm just a combination of all the experiences I've had up to this point," I thought. 

I was bitter that I couldn't talk to people—that it was hard to connect and express myself because of my crippling social anxiety. ("and why can't people just understand that about me?")

It was so bad at one point that I literally could not even say, "Hi" to people. I would come into work and leave with my head down and hope nobody noticed me even though deep inside I was longing to connect to people.

I mean, you see the connection between not feeling safe at home to express oneself and then developing crippling social anxiety, right?

All I did was feel sorry for myself.

All I did was think about how I wanted to end it all and return to the void.

That is until a small series of events led me to grab the reins of my life and change direction.

There are 3 core areas that I have worked on in my life: Fitness, Mindset, and Spirituality. It is by working on these 3 that I have found my peace.

Fitness

I was extremely overweight at one point.*

*(I was technically considered obese on the BMI scale)

There was a series moments that led me to get in shape:

• laying down in bed and being out of breath

• out of breath walking up a single flight of stairs

• not being able to push myself on a bike anymore

Bro.

That's when I knew something had to change.

I got a gym membership. Started working out on and off. Now it's a consistent thing. I used to be an emotional eater and would binge eat to feel better. Over time I learned to sit with uncomfortable emotions. I began to change my relationship with food too.

I started walking everywhere (especially in summer). I started getting into running. I followed the c25k program that trains a non-runner to be able to run a 5k. I ran my first official 5k in 2018. Since then I've done a couple 10ks and half-marathon. Now I'd love to work on improving speed. 

I recently started getting into lifting weights and bodybuilding as well (a little over a year in now).

Was it easy?

Hell no. 

That's where the next two areas come in.

Mindset

Like I said before all I did was feel sorry for myself. I had what is called a fixed mindset, that is until I started to develop a growth mindset.

This is what I recall:

Back in 2015ish I worked at a restaurant as a dishwasher and there was a kid who just got hired as a busser. We added each on on Facebook. 

I started to see the type of things he would post online. He was a super positive kid. Annoyingly positive. At least I thought it was annoying because I was in such a negative state of being.

He would share things about being uncomfortable and working towards your goals. Things like not feeling sorry for yourself and making excuses. I would think, "Why doesn't he understand that not everyone can be like that. I had certain circumstances that make me this way and I can't be like that. It's super annoying." But, I never said anything because I avoided conflict and I was passive aggressive. 

That is one day until he posted something rather interesting.

He posted that he cultivated his mindset because of all the books he had read.

Books?

Wait a minute.

I loved to read growing up but I read fiction books. I associated non-fiction as the boring style textbooks you read in High School or College. You know those history or psychology books?

What was he talking about?

My curiosity got the best of me and I messaged him asking what books he had read. He gave me a list.*

*(I don't have the list anymore—I wish I did—I think I only got halfway through it.)

I remember there was a Robert Green book, Gary Vaynerchuk's "Crushing It", Don Miguel Ruiz "The Four Agreements", and I'm not 100% sure but I believe Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now" was on this list. Your typical personal development/self-improvement books that you tend to see everyone talk about if you're in the personal development space.

I didn't even know the personal development genre existed. Mind blown. 🤯

I started to pick up these books one by one and even finding more that weren't on his list. It wasn't perfect and I still had my setbacks but over the years to come my mindset started to shift. I started to internalize the things I was reading. I started to believe in the possibility that I could become whoever I wanted to be, that I didn't have to let all the bad shit that happened to me define me.

Below is actually one of my all-time favorite quotes:

In later years I worked with a coach for my social anxiety. I put myself in the uncomfortable situations of expressing myself. I learned to allow myself to feel my suppressed/repressed emotions. 

And after that I learned to reframe my experiences. All experiences are inherently neutral. But as a kid we unconsciously give meaning to our experiences. "This means I'm not worthy, I'm not good enough, etc."

I internalized everything that happened as proof of something faulty within me. As an adult I realized that I could reframe these experiences. I could consciously give them new meaning. I don't have to internalize someone else's projections.

"I experienced this so that I can help to empower others with similar struggles."

"I experienced this contrast to have the drive to get to the other side and really appreciate it."

"I experienced this and now I am stronger and more resilient for it. I can overcome hardships. I now have greater compassion and empathy for the suffering of others."

Takeaway: It's not the experiences you've had but the meaning you assign to them.

Spirituality

I mentioned how I thought about ending it all and returning to the void. One day this feeling was so strong I felt like I needed to tell somebody.

So I did.

I pulled my boss aside (who was also a good friend) and told him that I thought about ending my life.

We talked for a bit and he said something to me that I will never forget for as long as I live:

"Believe it or not, life is beautiful, we make it dark."

That shit hit me like a ton of bricks. And it always came to me whenever I felt low over the years to come after that conversation.

At the time I was in so much emotional pain. I was sick of it. The next day after that conversation I went to the library and picked up two books. "Awakening the Buddha Within: Tibetan Wisdom for the Western World" by Lama Surya Das and "Psycho-Cybernetics" by Maxwell Maltz.

I had went with the intention of getting a book on Buddism but when I was browsing the books "Psyscho-Cybernetics" caught my eye. Because of the level of consciousness that I was at, at the time, I most definitely didn't grasp everything that I was reading but it did plant the seeds. This was one of the first personal development books that I read. After reading it I started to believe that I could change.

The other book I picked up was on Buddism. I didn't know much about Buddism except that my sister was sort of into it. She had a mini Buddha. I knew they believed in reincarnation. I think I had heard the quote "Attachment is the root of all suffering" from the Buddha as well. I wanted anything that would help me escape the suffering I was experiencing.

I never got through the entire book on Buddhism before needing to return it to the library. It was so hard for me to get through. I kept thinking, "How do I just let go? I'm a depressed person and it's something I'm always going to struggle with for the rest of my life."*

*(I realize now that is how deeply identified I was with my thoughts and my emotions. To dis-identify from the stories means death for the Ego(character) that has identified with them. "Who would I be without my stories? Without my identity?" A deeply identified mind does not want to contemplate this (in silence). Death is the scariest thing for the Ego.)

A couple years later I read "The Power of Now" by Eckart Tolle. I remember it changing the way I worked. I used to hate working in a kitchen. I mean I despised it. When shit was hitting the fan and all the tickets were coming in, it felt like an absolute nightmare. Your back is against the wall, emotions are running high, and hungry customers are waiting.

I began to learn to allow it. "Whatever happens, happens. I can't change this moment—I just need to move with it instead of against it." Little by little I stopped resisting life as a cook. I started to enjoy working in a kitchen, taking pride in my work, and then I really started to get good at it.

I actually enjoy when it's crazy busy now—I get into this flow state where my sense of self is gone and life is moving through me. I've gotten lots of compliments on my work ethic and speed. Whenever people ask me how I do it, I say, "I don't think about." The more I think about it the more I would fuck up, panic, and slow down. So I don't. I just cook.

Again, due to my state of consciousness, I didn't grasp everything in the book fully. I was still deeply identified with my Ego(character) but the seeds were planted.

I later found myself enveloped in Law of Attraction teachings. (LOA says everything you experience you have attracted to you based on your vibration or the frequency you are emitting.)*

*(May seem woowoo but Quantum Physics does confirm that everything is a vibration.)

I meditated on and off over the years. Last year I got real consistent with it.

I have found myself in Non-Duality teachings lately. (Non-Duality says there is only one Source. One interconnected whole. That separation is an illusion. One being playing the role of many.)

I currently follow both Law of Attraction and Non-Duality teachings. I think they say the same thing just in different ways.*

*(I plan on writing a piece on where I see the connections.)

I have had glimpses into the experience of Oneness. I've come out of very deep meditations and saw the aliveness of everything in my room. It felt like everything was dancing around me. I feel joyful and peaceful for seemingly no reason more often.

I know that the peace I seek is within me and no external conditions have power over my emotional state unless I give that power away. I have more love and compassion for others. I recognize that if anyone behaves "negatively" towards me they are simply projecting their own wounds and it has nothing to do with me. I don't have to internalize it.

I find flow more often. I feel love more often. And every time I think, "Can life get any better than this?" It does.

My true nature is Awareness.

I am Free.

Life really does get better, but not by chance, nah you gotta do the work. The work is internal. And when you work on your inner world, the external will reflect that. The "outside" world is simply a mirror, a reflection of your own state of being. 😉🧘

Your actions will also reflect this new state of being. You will start to take actions that are more in alignment with your highest version.

I definitely don't have it all figured out. I'm still learning and evolving. The game never ends. Its infinite. I'm excited for the continued expansion.

I genuinely hope this helps someone who is suffering. Even if you may not fully get it—I hope it plants the seeds for your Empowerment.

— your friend and teammate, Player 2 ✌️

P.S. When I was writing this there was so many stories and memories were coming to me but loads I left out. These newsletters usually end up around 1500 words more or less but this is already over 2600. I think one day I'll expand on this piece and write a book.

+1500 XP COLLECTED 🪙 

Do you want to continue playing? 👇

(Things that inspired me this week.)

🎙 Podcast: Face Your Fears and Live a Meaningful Mission w/ Lewis Howes

Absolute banger. Great episode that touches on emotional regulation.

📝 Newsletter: "The Sovereign Creator"

This piece is about exactly what it sounds like. Achieving more freedom as a creator. This is what I'm after this year.

📝 Newsletter: "You're Not Unique: An Ode To Weird Niches"

In the newsletter 2 weeks ago I talked about how I felt weird talking about and mixing fitness and spirituality in my content but this piece confirmed to me that I need to own it. I need to own who I am and lean into what I love. Some people might like it but the ones that do are going to vibe with me heavy. 🤝

🎥 Video: Dan Koe & Dickie Bush On One-Person Businesses, Creative Workflows, and Lifestyle Design

Over 3 hours. I haven't even listened to it all yet but already so much value. Taking notes and getting inspired with ideas.

💬 Quote: 

This is such a vibe bro. More of this energy in 2023. Keep creating. ✌️

If you enjoyed this newsletter you might also enjoy the 'Life is a Video Game Podcast' check it out on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and Pocket Casts.